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A Gameday Guide for New Alumni

For my first post, I would like to start with absolute frivolity. Jeff has decided that I am worthy enough to post, so I figured Id start with a topic near and dear to my heart.

The first football game you attend after graduating is certainly different than all the rest. You aren't a student, but you still don't really feel like one of those old alumni either. What's a boy to do? Below I cover the basics. From gettin laid to gettin drunk, and advice on staying classy in between.

Firstly, you're probably asking yourself: "I've been putting in a lot of hours at my dogshit job far away from my friends and family. I havent gotten laid in a while, and geez, I'd really like to. Is it creepy if I try for college girls?"

I am here to tell you, young lad, the answer is emphatically NO. You must realize that you have two aces up your sleeve that you may not even have recognized.

First off, you are in town for the weekend, so if a girl hooks up with you, there won't be any fallout from her being afraid of you stalking her, seeing you all the time at bars, and rumors circulating between common friends. You are freed from the very factors that routinely cause potential intercourse to turn into a botched handjob. Live the dream on me kids. Make sure all the girls know you graduated and are only in town for the weekend.

To a lesser extent, you being graduated and her in college is akin to the often seen "highschool-girl college-guy hes so mature" circumstance. It's important that if you plan to play this card, you're going to have to make up bullshit about golfing with the CEO, and flying all over the country. Skip any chitchat about the grueling thankless work you did at the Red Roof Airport North in Cincinatti two weeks ago. You want her to wish it was happening to her. Then, my young friend, you are wanted by association. That hotel bar you went to every night for a week suddenly becomes the VIP section of a hip nightclub.

Id like you also to realize that trying for hot young alumni will be futile, at best, since these girls aren't looking for you, but the dudes five years older making three times what you make. Sorry, that's just the way it is. Be happy to know that in time, however, you will partake in this bounty.

No Strings Attached. HT: SouthernFriedFootball

Now that you know you're going to get laid, you can move one step higher on the heirarchy of gameday needs, and plan your tailgating.

Let me put this in plain English right now. Even though you don't make much money now, you are still more rich than you will be after you get married, have a kid, own a house, and have worry about alll that other financial bullshit. Right now you should be able to pony up the money for a decent keg. Don't be dicking around with Bud Light, what's the point. Get your favorite beer, its only an extra thirty bucks. Trust me on this, and don't chintz out on the beer. Same goes for liqour, dont get Olde Crowe if you normally do, get Makers Mark.

INDWT Recommends a keg of 420

It is important, now that you are alumni, to start tailgating on your own. You don't live at home with your parents, so you shouldn't be tailgating with them, or bumming off other people's tailgates, any longer. Like I said, buy your capital equipment (tents, grills, chairs) NOW while you have extra dough to piss away on frivilous shit. Get stuff that will last you ten years. This way, a $200 grill works out to about 4-5 dollars a game including the gas.

Weber Genesis B: Three Burners, American Made.

Game time comportment.

Presuming you tailgated properly, you should be well lubricated by gametime. However you must realize that you do not get a free pass at cursing at refs and spilling mixed drinks all over the girl in front of you anymore. You are a member of society, and that behavior is no longer acceptable. Observation of this rule will allow you to enjoy mingling with the older alums, which is important for when you get laid off next summer due to budget cuts in your department, as well as the drunken sorority girls stumbling around in their stilettos(HT: AJC/EDSBS).

Post game entertainment and socializing.

Since you are new alumni you'd sure like to know, what to do after the game. "Would I look like a douche if I went to one of the college bars?" If you are in a town like Athens, this isn't an issue because they are ALL college bars. In Atlanta, this a little different story. I will argue that you aren't a douche on game days. A random Thursday, and yeah, that's pushing it some. Like the section title implies, this is time to socialize and just kick back. As most people will still have many friends who are still students, you will necessarily be going to college bars in order to see everyone. Keep in mind, this ruling is only valid for young (first or second year out) alumni.

If you stick to my guide, that first game back after graduation should be one of the best games of your life.

"From gettin laid to gettin drunk, and ... staying classy in between." Truly a guide to life.

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